This is About Antennas

Deborah McAdams is the Executive Editor of TV Technology.

We meant computers and TVs 10 years ago when we talked about "convergence." Not TVs and cell phones. Who among us envisioned people talking into small TV screens? I wonder what an advanced race of beings would think if they observed our personal device behavior. Probably something like, "Experiment failed. Activate particle beam."

Same thing if their first encounter with the blue planet involved the Royal Wedding and Headgear Festival. I'm all for hats. Very pro-hat, except indoors on a man's head—yeah I said that. Head covering is a lost art, but an emerging performance art judging by the aforementioned festival.

Cousin Bea pulled off a loo lid with Dr. Seuss antlers pasted vertically on her forehead. Aside from having its own Facebook page, Bea's hat sold on eBay for $131,000, perhaps heralding a new age of cranial adornment.

This naturally led me to wonder about the next generation of cell phones. By "naturally," I mean after walking around Midtown Manhattan for 90 minutes looking for a quiet place to have green tea and a yogurt parfait, finally settling for a Stella draft and some bar nuts. Because, A) it's time for an iPhone-like departure from the iPhone, and B) no one has "Eureka!" moments over green tea and yogurt parfaits.

Wireless providers, as we all know, are intent on absconding with broadcast TV spectrum. Wireless devices using that spectrum will need ever-larger antennas on ever-lower channels. And so what could possibly make more sense than the hatPhone?

It sounds like "bat phone," for one thing, and it naturally functions as the mast necessary to work on UHF channels. The hatPhone could have a handy flip-down video display monocle and a vibrate function that relieves tension headaches while stimulating hair follicles. The possibilities are endless.

Angel investors should make checks out to "Deborah D. McAdams." Operators are standing by.